Falling off the wagon

My brother-in-law Kenny is a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober for a little over 8 years now (his AA birthday is in late September). I have seen Kenny at his worst, and for the last eight years, I've gotten to witness his restoration to a kind, loving man of faith and conviction. He has a self-awareness about him now that I both admire and relate to.

Kenny spent his whole life numbing out. Hiding from life. Running from pain and problems. Making excuses. And then he decided to stop running. Feel his feelings. Deal with his problems. And write his own script for the rest of his life. That doesn't mean he's got a perfect life now - even though he's in a loving relationship and about to become a father for the first time - but it means he's found better ways to deal with the imperfections and frustrations.

Last time I saw Kenny, he was telling me about a situation when he felt frustrated and impatient. And how, now that he's aware of his feelings, he can choose how to react. Kenny chose to calmly suggest a compromise.

I hope Kenny never relapses. But if he does, I know he can get back on the wagon and reclaim his sobriety. Because he KNOWS now. And once you KNOW, once you've learned to look beyond your default behaviors to the underlying emotions and issues, you can't go back to not knowing. And if you know, you have the power to make a choice. The obligation to make a choice. And the awareness that NOT choosing is in itself a choice.

For about three weeks in December, I was off my own wagon. The Weight Watchers, healthy eating, healthy living, exercising wagon. As always, there are underlying issues. There are some major changes about to occur in my life, and I'm scared. And as always, I tend to cover up the underlying issues with superficial issues, like an insanely demanding work schedule, and a trip that took me out of my controlled environment. And as always, I turned to candy and junk food to soothe, destress, and reward myself.

But I'm back on the wagon now. Because I know. And once you know, you have the power.